Dead Bird Ghetto
There’s so much going on right now it’s really hard to find time to focus and write anything. That and I’m consumed by Lisa and wanting a good outcome for her and her family. Everything else in life is a light shade of pale next to that. However, things are happening quickly here, the summer nearly half over and I have no been good at documenting the here and now in so long that it’s slipping between my fingers.
Yesterday the kids and I trekked to the new town, map in hand to find our dream rental that we have to move to while the house gets built. We would have preferred for the closing date on this house to have coincided with the completion of the new house, but of course that would be impossible.
Anyway, I called all 5 of the suitable places on Monday and scheduled them all 30 minutes apart. The town is that small that we still had time between appointments.
Our new town is a lot like my grandparents town. Lots of older folks holding up lines at the drug store when all you want to do is swallow the box of Gas-X because the fruit you ate the night before has become a mushroom cloud in your bellah. Ouch to the power of infinity. No, I couldn’t fart. Once the medicine kicked in though, it was near the end of the day and I could have launched us home.
Daren was IMPRESSED. We were sitting having chicken pitas last night and all of a sudden we’re 12 year old boys, tears streaming down our faces because a 1000 missiles launched out of my butt and we couldn’t keep ourselves intact at all. It was definitely one of those you had to be there moments but if you’d been here, I’d probably be serving up pitas with a tummy ache since I can’t fart around anyone but Daren.
Anyway - the rentals.
The first one was the lower half of a house, with big windows. The man drove up and I discovered he works with Daren. Cool! Maybe this would be it! Now because he works with Daren I had to be honest and tell him we’re building a house blah blah…and we would be renting for about 3.5 months but we would pay the entire thing up front and won’t you please let us live here? Cue wife driving up, hearing the story and shaking her head no the entire time. No No No…you can’t live here you piece of shit - then I will have to paint again and there’s no way No No No.
Whatever. Bye nice man and his bag of a wife.
Our next appointment was at a small apartment building. An older man showed us your standard 2 bedroom apartment. The building was extremely quiet and clean, and as we were leaving, we passed two older ladies in armchairs in the lobby. I asked about penalties on breaking the lease and it was game over. Essentially no one wants us because we won’t be there for a year.
Cue new tactic of lying not mentioning time frame.
The third place wasn’t too shabby at all. It was extremely clean, fairly new looking but appliances don’t come with. No problem, we could buy Daren’s parents old pieces as they are renovating, or whatever. I take the application and leave.
The 4th place finds us in another apartment building but this time it’s run by the most talkative man I think I have ever met. Another standard 2 bedroom apartment, but this time, a bonus! A dead bird on the balcony. The cupboards were circa 1959, but the owner was replacing them, the windows, and a long list of other things I didn’t listen to because TINY DEAD BIRD ON THE BALCONY. By this time my stomach was becoming that raging ball of gas and seeing the bird just made the whole thing flop over like a groggy seal. I wanted to get out of there so bad and the man just kept talking and talking about how if you don’t have your key, he will walk right by you, not to be ignorant, but to see if you have your key because the keys are numbered and if I find your key in the parking lot I will trace it back to you and if you lose your key it will cost $30 to replace it and the rulez and the key and the key key Key KEY. I thought my head was going to explode. I tuned him out and pictured me screaming shut the fuck up just to see what would happen.
So what if we break the lease? He didn’t know but thought it was a strange question. Why is that a strange question? Don’t people ask that? I took the application and on the way out, the man proceeded to tell me a 10 minute story about how he accepted a parcel for a tenant ha ha ha and it was a guitar and he probed the shit out of the guy to find out what is was ha ha ha and asked if he could keep the guitar ha ha ha and isn’t that funny because really why would the postman leave an $800 guitar at the bottom of the steps ha ha ha and then I stabbed the man in the eye with his stupid key and left.
We won’t be living there.
I drove to the last 2 places and sobbed in my hands when I saw the state of the buildings. No kids, Mommy and Daddy won’t let you even touch the doorknob of that place. How do they even have ghetto-ish looking places in a town that is so obviously Death’s Waiting Room*?
I called the third place back and it’s been rented. It was the only 3 bedroom of the lot, so I’m not surprised.
Hi my name is Karen and we will be homeless in T minus 34 days.
*What my Papa calls his town because it’s full of retirees. 
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
11:11 am |
Please Help Me to Understand
I can’t be held responsible for the clarity of this post. We have dinner guests arriving soon, I need a shower and I’ve been inhaling way too many cleaning products. The funny thing is, the guests are my best friend and her boyfriend, and my cousin and her new hubby. None of whom care about the state of my house - but I am Teh Anal.
ANYWAY, the reason I’m throwing up a post (ew) is because I’m hoping my keeping my big mouth flapping about this issue, someone, somewhere will hear me and help.
Oh it isn’t me that needs help exactly.
Lisa over at Clusterfook is battling cancer for the third time, and I’m on a letter-writing campaign to get her some Big Help. Celebrities, doctors, whoever has the money or resources to help her.
Because let me get this straight: It isn’t right that a mother worries more about leaving her family in debt, then she does about fighting cancer.
America, you need a serious smack to the head. Where are your priorities?
Another thing: Money should NEVER stand in the way of health care. Never.
Sure, it’s the way I was raised. It’s way I know, living up here in Canada. I watched Michael Moore’s Sicko with my jaw in my lap for the majority of the movie. When he visited a hospital here in London, Ontario and asked the questions he did, I was shocked. You guys have it rough down there.
I won’t pretend to completely know how it works down there - I don’t. I don’t understand terminology like HMO, co-payment, or HIPPA.
What I do know, in my heart, is that a woman, a mother is dying. For reasons I cannot fathom. Mistakes, mis-diagnosis, and mostly? Because of money, or lack of it.
Short of kidnapping Lisa, hauling her up here to Canada or down to Cuba or shipping her to France?
I don’t know what to do.
I’ve written to Michael Moore, Oprah, Ellen and Castle Connelly. I’ve written to every blogger I know.
You can too. Those links up there go directly to contact pages.
People are spreading the word via Twitter, Plurk, and blogs, and a trickle of money has started to come in, and while it’s appreciated, sadly, it isn’t enough.
Can you help? Do you know anyone in television? Do you know any doctors that would take her on? Can you spare some money?
We need this to be big. HUGE. I don’t want Lisa to worry about money, about her family not eating, or about the medical bills that will ultimately come in.
Chemo isn’t working. There are other treatments.
I want this mother to two little girls to put her energy into fighting cancer. They’ve been through so much already. Cam is 11 and Teenie is 8. Too young to lose their mother. Too young to fall prey to medical bill debt and goodness knows what.
Please. I’m begging you to think of resources that can help Lisa. Begging for money. Begging for relief of worry and begging for your support.
Please help.
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
5:07 pm |
UPDATED: Holy Sugarpants!
A mere six days from when I told you I was freaking out about the size of the bridesmaid dress, and a lot has happened.
Monday and Wednesday night I spent at the gym doing my strength training routine TWICE, with Homie G. We did every exercise twice with a short rest between. It was amazing to both of us how quickly I bounced right back into it considering I hadn’t seen her in about a month. (I had been working out regularly, but she gives me that extra push kick in the ass) I see her again tomorrow morning.
Tuesday, Wednesday and this morning, I walked for an hour. I’ve been mostly careful about what I’m eating and making sure to fuel my body more often as per the book I didn’t buy. I flipped through it in Chapters and opted not to spend the $30.
So after I left the gym today, I was sick and tired of all my pants and capris falling down and hanging weird like I was one of those punk ass kids with their jean crotch down to their knees. So I decided to try on a pair of jeans.
I took the size I’ve been stuck at and the next size down (which happens to be the dress size) and you know where this is going, right?
I tried on what I thought was my size. Too big. Wait, what? Too big? Oh. Em. Gee.
When I tried on the next size down, they fit no problem! I’ve reached my 1st goal weight!
Now, I’m not stopping. My final goal is a few sizes more which would put my BMI in a healthy range.
Finally, something is working!
Update, 11:00 p.m. OMG you guys - how nice to come back a few hours after posting this to all this support!!!!
Thank you so much. To celebrate, the boys and I had the healthiest baked nachos I could muster (whole wheat chips, grilled chicken, lots of veggies, blah blah) and watched The Golden Compass and Jumper - it’s 11 and I just tucked them in.
What a great day all round! I’d better hit the sack though or I’m going to be pretty darn tired for my morning workout with Homie G!!
Thanks again - your comments and encouragement is so heartwarming and motivating. *smooch*
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
5:03 pm |
Miley Cyrus Fans Need To Get Off The Internet and Go Back to School
Holy. crap.
So most of you know I write celebrity gossip for Babble.com.
The other day I came across some photos that looked like Miley Cyrus was in a shower, doing the wet t-shirt thing. The person who supposedly hacked her cell phone posted these pictures on a forum. The pictures were meant for Nick Jonas, according to the original source.
I wrote about the whole thing here, knowing full well that Miley Cyrus posts bring the LOLZ.
The comments that come through our site are hysterical. And by hysterical, I mean pathetic.
A sampling:
would everyone quit making a big deal out of this..i mean really the one in the shower was taken LAST YEAR!!!!! and she wasnt even the one who took it so how do u kno it wasnt professionally taken??? cuz its really good quality!! the first one isnt even her so get over it!! i mean come on she is 15 years old…never gets a break…and if she wasnt famous no one would ever make a big deal out of it so u sould all shut up leave her alone and let her do wat she wants…i mean really? u cant even c anything inappropreiate its just her stomach big deal u c pplz stomachs @ the beach all da time!!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean sure im a little disappointed..but @ least shez not nude!! wen she first started takin these pics i didnt like her @ all buut now i realize tht nobodys perfect and she cant b all the time… EVERYONE is going 2 take a pic like tht sumtime in there life so just shut up abd leave her alone…and plus these r from LAST YEAR!!!!!!!!!! so shut da heck up cuz she doesnt even take pics like tht any more!!
I don’t think this person used enough exclamation marks. Miley Cyrus 4EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
seriously id doesnt matter what she does ppl only make a big deal cuz shes famous u can go on facebook n myspace n find 15 yr olds showin there tits n pussy on there pagesall this crap is soft BUT OMFG SHE IS SO SO SO SO SO BEAUTIFUL
OMFG GO BACK TO SKUUL.
every one should relle STOP writing such dramatic stuff!!! give me a break. and all u bois writing nasty stuff, we don’t need 2 know that!! keep it 2 urselfs, miley would b disgusted!!
Ya you bois need to relle cut it out.
shes a wirdo
Wait, what?
Why bother even comment when you can just think of it.
Huh?
There are over 100 comments on this shitty little post. There are a ton screaming “Photoshop!”, even more arguing with the Photoshop people, and the bunch in the “Leave Miley Alone” camp. About 1% of them can spell.
Where the hell is Chris Crocker when I need him?
Seriously - this is the kind of circus we see a lot over there and the buzz goes back and forth between Miley and Jamie-Lynn Spears. Most of the time I just delete the comments when they hit my email.
Dear ‘rents,
Pleeze 2 keap ur preshus tween off teh puter & git there nozez back in da books. As you can see, they really need a lesson in English. And maybe life.
Love,
Karen
p.s. I left a pingback on the post - expect mayem over here. More traffic $$$$ for Lisa!
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
8:26 am |
Save Time and Money By Planning Healthy Family Meals
A trip to Boston Pizza usually costs us around $70 for the 4 of us and take-out Thai food around $50. We were doing each of these things about once a week, which added up to a whopping $480 a MONTH! That’s a lot of bills!
See what I’m doing over at Work It Mom to save that money and feed my family even healthier.
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
8:05 am |
Mama Spider, You’re Gonna Die
I just found a Mama Spider and her eggs hidden in my front room shears.
I’m certain that if ever threatened with my life for real, I would uncontrollably pee myself. Because the sight of this Mama spider and her eggs made my legs weak and my bladder pulse.
I mean really. This spider is little-ish but the creepy crawly feeling I get looking at it and the fact that those eggs could sprout 8 million baby spiders at any time makes my entire lower half quiver.
In a crisis I’m pretty damn sure I would be useless. Also? Covered in urine.
Hello, my name is Karen ChickenPants and I’m itchy and skeered right now.
I need Daren the Arachnoid Hit Man, stat.
He’s napping. I’m tempted to run the vacuum just to piss him off. Hee!
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
1:27 pm |
You Now Have Full Permission To Kick My Ass
I’m freaking the fuck out right now. There are about 6 weeks left until my brother’s wedding and I’m stuck again - with still a size and a half to go to get into that bridesmaid dress! Thank God for a good friend (Hi Kyra!) who has recommended a book that she says will work.
I trust her. What I don’t trust is my stupid body.
I’m about to kick it into high gear: meal planning, 2-3 hours a day (split - morning and after dinner) of activity, be it walking, weights, running, biking, cycling, whatever it takes.
I think what has been screwing me over is the food part of things. In this heat, I crave junk like ice cream, popsicles, and those mothereffing Rolo Chocolate cones. (Salad too, but still - the sugar rushes I’m indulging in are 3-4 times a week and I’m justifying them by telling myself I’m working them off with planks and side planks and push ups and crunches and squats and burpies but ugh. I’m LYING to myself.) The drinks I had over my birthday weekend probably didn’t help either.
Sleep also needs to become a priority ~ no more super late nights.
I seriously need a good ass kicking. Not so much in the activity department, but definitely in the food department. I need to plan better, and question each trip to the kitchen. That and I need to stop buying junk!
Oh and I need to call Homie G - I have 8 30 minute sessions left and I want to book them ALL so I’m committed to her. She also needs to kick my ass HARD! I wish Tommy Europe or Jillian Michaels would move here to help me!
So if you need to vent, bitch, whine, cry it out - do it here, right now. Tell me off. I deserve it. It’s been a bad 10 days.
Have fun!
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
12:56 am |
Guarded
So I re-started this blog in what, December 2007?
After a break from the blogging world, I couldn’t help but feel guarded as I came back into this arena, this circus of Laying It All Out There. As a result, I’ve been pulling the same puppet strings, sharing the shallowest of stories, not really sharing much in terms of How I Feel or What I Went Through.
More people in my life have been reading. I’m not sure how far back they’ve gone into the archives - if they’ve seen the rawness of emotion that it there, for all the world to read.
If they have, they haven’t said a word. It’s like having a reverse peephole into my brain and heart and sometimes I wonder that if they have read, do they treat me so nice because they secretly think I’m batshit-crazy?
I’m not, by the way. I have my days where I get really over-whelmed with worry about what I write here and so, you’ve seen my current life through a baby gate, wrapped in bubble wrap. Safe.
I’m grateful to be living the life I do, and everything is seriously peachy and wonderful, though with the house being built and my brother’s wedding fast approaching, the stress-o-meter is about to flutter up to mock ten.
So I worry. About lots of stuff.
I worry about finding a place to rent while the house gets built. Not many rentals exist in the small town we are moving to and we only need a place for 2-3 months and we have a dog, though she is old and doesn’t bark much - only when the doorbell rings.
Speaking of Ruffy, I worry about her health. She’s been falling a lot and her fur is falling out on her tail.
I worry about things that haven’t happened - like at night I will lie there and imagine what would happen if someone broke in while we were sleeping. It’s my worst fear and unless I fall asleep on the couch with the tv on, sleep is a tough thing to come by.
I worry about not being able to fit into the bridesmaid dress my sister-in-law picked out for the wedding (shallow, I know, but it would be SO embarrassing), for scheduling the move around the wedding, the expense of gifts and dress and tux for Thomas (ring bearer)…basically the wedding is happening at a very busy and expensive time. Ack.
On a much less trivial note, I worry about Lisa @ Clusterfook.com daily. I brainstormed a couple more ideas to help make some money to ease her medical bills, including asking bloggers to host a lemonade stand this summer and send the money her way. Lemonade for Lisa, you know? Something we could do with our kids, and you know Lisa is all about the quality time with the kiddos. What do you think?
Anyway, I do want to thank those of you who read and comment - I love you for it. Especially since I don’t usually have time to reciprocate or reply very often. I do what I can, when I can. You know, after I’m through worrying about the sky falling!
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
12:56 am |
Honey Do
Daren’s honey-do list (honey do this, honey do that, for those not in the know) has been growing for weeks. Usually I’m happy to let him do the stuff I’d rather not but it seems his procrastination gene has kicked in again and none of those things have been getting done.
So here are the little things I’m going to attempt to do to relieve him of these menial tasks:
1) change the brake light switch on the car - we’ve had no brake lights for like a week. it makes me feel very unsafe!
2) put the locks back on the downstairs windows (we took them off to paint, oh, a year ago)
3) fix the cutlery drawer before it falls on someone’s foot.
4) Buy and install two panes of glass in our bay window (the panes are only 20 x 20 or so)
5) Buy and install a new power hole thingy for my laptop cuz the current hole thingy requires a lot of wiggling to get it to charge and I’m too impatient to provide foreplay to my laptop.
I also have to get some work done for Famecrawler, drive Dylan to two separate activities at the library, (does anyone else think it’s weird they are having a Guitar Hero session at the library? Aren’t libraries for silly things like reading?), wash the kitchen floor, get the laundry put away, do some banking and find and mail a birthday card for my Granny.
Did I mention it’s going to be like 42 degrees Celcius (114 F) here today with the humidity? I wonder how many of these things I could get done naked?
Oh and catnip? I told Daren I would make him his own blog and he said, “Don’t rush me!” ROFL! We almost have him convinced though!
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
7:30 am |
Now You’re 4
In the blink of an eye, you went from this:
To this:
(more…)
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @
12:00 am |
